Every few years it feels like Adele comes down from the sky and releases an album that shatters out expectations of what a human being can do with their voice. I say this with little reservation- she is, with love to Fantasia Barrino, the greatest female vocalist of our generation. But you’re not here to read a music review about her fantastic new album 30. You’re here to read the sports opinions of a guy who just had to temporarily stop writing to talk to his dad about Hollywood Brown being announced out for tomorrow. So instead, we’re gonna look at the current NFL teams who might be in need of a breakup with their Quarterback and figure out which songs from the Adele catalog fit their situation. In order for a situation to qualify as a breakup, it needs to be a team that has invested significantly in their quarterback, either through draft picks or financial compensation, so teams such as the Broncos or Washington Football Team who are in Quarterback purgatory don’t qualify. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Browns, Baker Mayfield: One and Only
Ok so for the first one I cheated (fine, I do make the rules). But this one was too perfect to pass up. The ninth track from Adele’s seminal Album 21 (her best) essentially previews the upcoming contract negotiations between Baker Mayfield and the Browns. Just as Adele is daring her lover to let her be his “One and Only,” Baker will be doing the same with the Browns. What makes this situation particularly interesting is the fact that it is hard to evaluate Baker long-term this year because of his injury. He’s been playing through this year with a torn labrum in his non-throwing shoulder, meaning that essentially the left side of his body has been immobile. This was supposed to be a year where Baker proved why he was worthy of that big contract, but instead, we still don’t know what he is actually worth. It seems like the Browns should keep Baker around considering the fact that we know that at the very least he can produce within the context of this offense, but we also know that he does not deserve to be paid on the level of other Quarterbacks in the AFC. The problem is you simply don’t see many Quarterback extensions for mid-tier money. Carson Wentz and Jared Goff proved that this is a league where if you are someone who is worthy of any extension, you are going to get paid big time. This offseason is going to be a referendum on whether the Browns should give Baker that money- and he’s going to have to do some big-time convincing.
Most Applicable Lyric:
I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy
To hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile
Until the end starts
Steelers, Ben Roethlisberger: He Won’t Go
The sixth track from Adele’s 21 perfectly fits the situation in which the Steelers and Ben Roethlisberger currently find themselves . It seemed pretty clear that by the end of last year Big Ben was done. He had lost his arm strength and mobility in the pocket, the two things that essentially made him a bowling ball in Quarterback form for the last decade and a half. But just like how Adele and her lover cannot get themselves to move on from this relationship, neither the Steelers nor Ben Roethlisberger seemed willing to move on. What’s most remarkable is that it is not as if the Steelers are a team letting Ben play things out before moving on to a new era- they have a roster that is capable of winning a Super Bowl with even a competent Quarterback. The degree to which Ben has held back the Steelers this year is truly remarkable. They have a dynamic defense, a top-tier receiving core, and dynamic rookies in Najee Harris and Pat Freiermuth. But they’ve been relegated to an offense that relies on checkdowns and short drags due to the limitations of their quarterback. What’s even more remarkable is that the Steelers have no backup plan. They have not even attempted to find a successor, keeping Mason Rudolph on the roster despite the fact that we have a myriad of evidence that he should never be an NFL starting Quarterback. But, just like in He Won’t Go, both sides seem perfectly happy to take the risk.
Most Applicable Lyric:
Cause he won't go
He can't do it on his own
If this ain't love, then what is?
We're willing to take the risk
I won't go
I can't do it on my own
If this ain't love, then what is?
I'm willing to take the risk
Giants, Daniel Jones: All I Ask
The tenth track from 25 talking about the end of a mistaken love applies to the situations that Daniel Jones and Dave Gettleman will find themselves in this offseason. While my guess is that they’ll both be back for one more year, it will essentially be a lame-duck year in which they will both be gone but will still go out and try to prove that they deserve to stay. Barring unforeseen circumstances, the Daniel Jones relationship with the Giants was doomed from the start- and this may be his and Gettleman’s last chance to be a long-term Starting Quarterback and General Manager in this league. Instead of going into it with a doomed mindset, they should look at it like one last night with a lover, enjoying everything that comes with it while it lasts. If they want to get in the right mindset going into their last year, they might need to get in touch with their inner Adele.
Most Applicable Lyric:
Look, don’t get me wrong
I know there is no tomorrow
All I ask is
If this is my last night with you
Hold me like I’m more than just a friend
Give me a memory I can use
Take me by my hand while we do what lovers do
It matters how this ends
‘Cause what if I never love again?
Anyone Paying Jared Goff, Jared Goff: Take it All
This one is pretty simple: The premise of this song is that Adele has put everything into a relationship with someone who has not given everything back, so as they walk away she is telling them to walk away with all the investment she put in, devastated that it did not pay off. Well, that is essentially what any team getting rid of Jared Goff will have to do. At this point, adding Jared Goff to your team requires major emotional and financial investment. And even once he lets you down and you part ways, you’re still gonna be left with a major cap hit- meaning that even after the breakup he will still be taking it all from you. And while these teams may differ from Adele in that they are not telling Goff to take it all with their love, it’s still close enough. Last year, this team was the Rams. Now it’s the Lions. We’ll see who's next.
Most Applicable Lyric:
But go on, go on, take it, take it all with you
Don't look back at this crumbling fool
Panthers, Sam Darnold: I’ll be Waiting
This one applies less to Sam Darnold, and more to the Panthers’ multiple attempts to move on from Cam Newton. I’ll be Waiting, the rocking and most underrated track from 21, is probably more or less a word-for-word transcription of the meeting between David Tepper and Cam Newton when the Panthers re-signed Cam last week. Just like how Adele and her significant other prematurely and childishly ended a relationship and now are promising that things will be better next time, the Panthers are finally acknowledging that they have thoroughly screwed up the Quarterback position the last two years. Right now the Panthers are paying Cam Newton’s replacement (Teddy Bridgewater, $17 million), the replacement for Cam Newton’s replacement (Sam Darnold, already picked up the $18 million option for 2022), and Cam Newton to replace Cam Newton’s replacement's replacement ($6 million). That’s a lot of investment just to go back to where they were. The truth is that the way things ended with Cam and the Panthers never made sense. It wasn’t so much that they shouldn’t have tried to move on, but it never made sense to cut him without either getting trade compensation or drafting a successor, instead opting to give Teddy Bridgewater a big deal. What’s more, as soon as that ended they gave up significant draft capital for Sam Darnold, and then picked up his option before he played a down for the team. Meanwhile, just like Adele, Cam has just been waiting for the call to come from the Panthers. It eventually came, and they are (for now) happily reunited.
Most Applicable Lyric (Literally the Whole Song but if I had to pick one):
Let me stay here for just one more night
Build your world around me
And pull me to the light
So I can tell you that I was wrong
I was a child then but now I'm willing to learn
49ers, Jimmy Garoppolo: Water Under the Bridge
This track from 25 about a relationship tinkering on the brink not quite ready to end is more or less the story of where Jimmy G and the Niners are right now. It seemed like the relationship was ready to end, but due to Kyle Shanahan’s incompetence when it comes to player personnel, Trey Lance might not be ready till next year or the year after to take the reins as the team's starter. This has left Jimmy G in limbo, as it seemed like he was done as the starter, then was the temporary starter, and now seems like the guy for at least the rest of this year. He knows the fall is coming, he just doesn’t know when. Jimmy G has probably had more success than any other Quarterback on this list other than Big Ben and has gone from the Super Bowl to lame duck in two years. Just like Adele is asking to find closure after all, they’ve been through, Jimmy G is hoping to get the same from San Fran.
Most Applicable Lyric:
And if I'm not the one for you
You've gotta stop holding me the way you do
Oh, honey, if I'm not the one for you
Why have we been through what we have been through?
Bills, Ravens Chiefs, Chargers, Cowboys, Buccaneers, Cardinals: Lovesong
This is the opposite of a breakup- these are teams that will do whatever is possible to maintain their current man. In order to qualify for this list, a Quarterback has had to have produced at an elite level for a team (so teams in love with a Rookie don’t qualify) and there can’t be any current friction (disqualifying the Packers and Seahawks). Just like Adele says, these teams will always love these quarterbacks. Also, this was really just an excuse to link Candice Glover’s earth-shattering rendition of this song in Season 12 of American Idol.
Most Applicable Lyric:
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you
____________________________________________________________________________
Week 11 Picks
Last Week’s Record: 7-7
Season Record: 76-84-2
*Lines as of Thursday Afternoon
Patriots (-6.5) vs Falcons
Bears(+6) vs Ravens
Colts (+7) @ Bills
Browns (-12, lock) vs Lions
Titans (-10) vs Texans
Vikings (+1.5) vs Packers
Dolphins (-3) @ Jets
Eagles (-1.5) vs Saints
49ers (-6) @ Jaguars
Bengals (-1) @ Raiders
Cowboys (+2.5) @ Chiefs
Seahawks (+2.5) vs Cardinals
Steelers (+6) @ Chargers
Buccaneers (-11, lock) vs Giants
留言