2022 NFL Draft Diary

Here’s the thing- we all know this draft sucks. We’ve been doing this for long enough to know when a draft is exciting, and this one is just a fat turd. But nonetheless our sole purpose on this earth is to feed the NFL money so we are still all watching, and what’s even worse, I am excited. So without further ado, here is my 2022 NFL Draft Diary.

8:00 And we are live! We are in my dorm for this draft, otherwise known as the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad NFL Draft. We are flanked by a box of Joe’s Pizza and a bag of Doritos. I’m alone in my room. You can feel the electricity in the air.

8:02: Getting out my Ravens takes now: If Jordan Davis is there as the best guy at 14, take him because that is what the Ravens always do. But part of the reason the Ravens are in a good position is that we have a lot of flexibility. We don’t need Davis because we have Calais Campbell and Michael Pierce- it’s not like last year when we had to get Bateman. If Thibodeaux were to fall, we could trade up and get him. If the board doesn’t go our way, we could trade back and get good value. We could also sit at 14 and take Davis or someone else like Kyle Hamilton or Jermaine Johnson- and I wouldn’t really mind any of it.

8:05 So I think I may be permanently traumatized by that DirecTV commercial of Randy Johnson, David Ortiz, A-Rod, and Ken Griffey Jr. In all seriousness, what has A-Rod done to get uncanceled? Like he conspired with the Cuban mob to destroy evidence and threaten anyone who tried to testify against him and we’re just cool with that?

8:07: Roger Goodell unedited: “Welcome to the 22 NFL Draft.” He clearly is also excited for Taylor Swift’s NYU commencement.

8:10: Goodell just brought out Derek Carr and HOLY HAIRCUT! I really don’t have a good joke about it, but let it be known that I want the spirit of a joke about his haircut to be conveyed.

8:17: The Jaguars use the number one pick on Travon Walker because anytime you have a chance to use the number one pick on a guy who had the fourth-highest pressure rate on his own team you have to do it.

8:20: I get it. Walker has insane traits, but the numbers are just not good. He had a 12% pressure rate, compared to Hutchison’s 30%. And of Walker’s 31 pressures, just 16 came against a blocker. And if this guy is a project, are we really trusting the Jaguars to develop him?

8:21: The Lions immediately rush the Hutchison pick in. No surprise here. Let the kneecap jokes ensue.

8:23: Hutchison really has the chance to be one of the most beloved athletes in Detroit history. Just a perfect marriage.

8:24: I assumed too much of Booger McFarland. He tried to make a kneecap joke and instead talked about how Hutchison will come in and bite elbows. That one’s on me guys.

8:27: Little bit of a surprise with the Texans taking Stingley at three, but I don’t hate it. The Texans need blue-chippers, and they certainly got one.

8:34: Mel Kiper (appearing virtually from his unvaccinated man cave) goes through the list of the Jets' needs and… it’s basically everything. Louis Riddick says “There are so many primary needs that you can't really go wrong.” Things are going great guys.

8:35: So we’re going with a run of corners early. Interesting to see Gardner go that high. Not a bad pick for the Jets because well, they need everything. Would like to see them maybe get some protection for Wilson though with 10.

8:38: Sauce Gardner just took a wrong turn going to the stage. Gonna need to figure that out in order to navigate the city.

8:42: Giants take Thibodeaux at five. Great pick- I think all the stuff about him not loving football is BS. They must have thought that someone was trying to trade up to six or that Carolina was looking at Thibodeaux because they probably just gave up their first choice of tackle. Thibodeaux was clearly their highest priority though.

8:49: In breaking down the Panthers pick, Kiper just said. “Here’s the issue: Sam Darnold’s your Quarterback, and you need a Left Tackle.” He could have just stopped after the first part.

8:50: Panthers take Ikem Ekwonu at six. Now they get to wait until the fourth round to upgrade anything else on their team. Let’s Run it back baby! Sam Darnold! Matt Rhule! Ben McAdoo! You can feel the rest of the NFC South shaking in fear.

8:55: Mel Kiper just said he still believes in Daniel Jones. Apparently, he did his own research.

8:56: No surprise here, Giants take Evan Neal. Good draft haul for the Giants. See what happens when you trade back?

8:57: Kiper just said the Giants have no more excuses. What were their excuses before? “Don’t worry guys it’ll all be OK, we’re just a bad team with bad coaches and bad players.”

8:59: Booger just said this feels like a Dave Gettleman draft. That is true, except for the fact that the Giants made good picks instead of bad picks. Otherwise, it’s uncanny.

9:01: Man, not sure about the London pick. Obviously needed a receiver, but I think he’s the third-best receiver available. Either way, a dark day for Olamide Zaccheaus dynasty owners.

9:02: Not gonna lie, this ESPN draft coverage is REALLY weak. The draft misses Chris Berman.

9:03: Booger actually makes a good point! Always a question about physical receivers who can’t separate because it’s just really hard to see whether they’ll be able to succeed with that type of physicality in the NFL. Sometimes it becomes Ja’marr Chase, sometimes it becomes J.J. Arcega-Whiteside. Now for the real fun- the Seahawks are on the clock.

9:05: In other news, Chris Paul is currently 10-10 from the field. Guy seems pretty good.

9:10: In this weird draft the Seahawks do something… normal and smart? They pick Charles Cross which seems to make sense. You CANNOT let Drew Lock cook behind a bad offensive line. Simply gotta protect him. Jokes aside, the Seahawks actually made a good pick.

9:12: It’s pretty incredible trolling for the Seahawks to take a first-round tackle after not giving Russell Wilson an offensive line for a decade. Next-level stuff from Pete Carroll and John Schneider.

9:13: The Jets take Garrett Wilson at 10. This is a situation where there are no more excuses. Wilson has legit targets, a good play-caller in Mike LaFleur and a passable(?) offensive line. The Jets will know whether he is the guy.

9:16: Well they just compared Garrett Wilson to Lynn Swann. I love it when broadcasts just casually throw out Hall of Famer comparisons for guys picked towards the middle of the first round. If he’s Lynn Swann shouldn’t he have been the number one pick? Why isn’t it bigger news that Lynn Swann fell to ten? Even if Lynn Swann is fairly overrated historically, he actually was probably way more talented than his production indicates. Either way, congrats to the Jets on getting a future Hall of Famer.

9:21: Finally a trade! Saints move up to 11 in exchange for a third and a fourth. Gotta be a QB right?

9:23: Saints take Chris Olave. Bad process people step up! Trading up for a Non-QB is generally a bad idea. And remember that the only reason they felt comfortable trading up was because they gave up a first next year, a third the following year, and a second in 2024 for an extra first this year. So they basically gave up a first, a second, two-thirds, and a fourth for Chris Olave. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

9:25 Man Jameson Williams is really falling. Most people think he is the best receiver in this class. The ACL must be really bad, or everyone here will have egg on their head.

9:28: Wow, big move up for the Lions from 32 to 12. This has to be Malik Willis right? Right?

9:30: WOOOOOWWWW. The Lions take Jameson Williams at 12. To be fair to the Lions, the price for trading up is clearly cheaper this year so they just gave up a third while swapping first and second. Still- for a team that is rebuilding, it is generally not a great move to give up draft value to move up for a non-QB.

9:33: Eagles give up A LOT to move up to 13. I have a feeling this is for Jordan Davis. Honestly, I don’t really mind it. Ravens have an array of options and have Calais Campbell and Michael Pierce already at the position. Davis would have been the best guy available, but part of what makes this draft really unique for the Ravens is the flexibility we have right now.

9:38: Eagles take Davis. Ravens have a lot of flexibility now, but my guess is Kyle Hamilton. The guy is a freak, and the Ravens do the best player available. Would not be upset at the pick at all.

9:43: We take Kyle Hamilton. I am over the moon. Always get the best guy available.

9:46: WOAAHHHHHH. Ravens just traded Hollywood and a third to the Cardinals for a first-round pick a. I need a minute. Postscript: Upon editing this I realized I was in such a frenzied state that I accidentally typed the timestamp for the trade as 9:76, and did not notice it all night.

9:53: After a quick phone call with my Dad and my brothers, I like the value of the trade. Obviously, I will see who we pick but this is once again part of the process of being a good organization. The Ravens took Hollywood at 25, got three years of him on a rookie deal, and then gave him up and a third for the 23rd pick. Or if you want to look at it another way, in an offseason where Devante Adams went for a first and a second-rounder, the Ravens just gave up Hollywood and a third for a first. Once again, we will see how they fill that hole, but the value of the trade is good process.

9:56: Welp, Lamar is not happy. Hopefully, we get someone soon. We might be trading for a guy or signing one after the draft.

9:57: HOLY SHIT AJ BROWN TO THE EAGLES!!!!!!

9:57: Howie Roseman has been killing it. Take a bow, my guy.

9:57: The trade is for a first and a third. Good trade for both sides.

9:58: Commanders take Jahan Dotson. Don’t know a ton about the guy and it seems like a little bit of an overdraft, but they absolutely murdered the Saints trade so it seems like a good night for them.

10:01: In other news, Chris Paul just scored 33 points on 14-14 shooting to close out the series. So that’s fun.

10:05: As expected, the Eagles give AJ Brown the big deal and Tennessee goes ahead and takes Treylon Burks. Once again, I don’t think that is a horrible move by Tennessee. The bill hasn't come yet for Philly, so they can afford it a little more.

10:07: Did the Cardinals like, try to get AJ Brown?

10:08: Six receivers went in the top-18. AJ Brown, Tyreek Hill, Devante Adams, and Hollywood Brown(?!) all got traded for first-round picks. So obviously, the best way to acquire receiver talent is to pay Christian Kirk over $20 million a year.

10:11: Now that I’ve settled down, is this the part where we get to make fun of the Cardinals? Yes? Ok. BAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAAAA

10:13: Well I don’t love any of the Quarterbacks in this class, but Malik Willis has the highest upside to compete in the AFC, especially the North, and he’s sitting right there for the Steelers- so basically they make the playoffs in Ben’s last year, but don’t get hurt in draft position at all and get to take Willis. I’m going to need a minute.

10:16: My mind is going everywhere and completely out of order but I will say this: This is part of the problem with paying Running Backs. Derrick Henry is (probably still) the best back in the league, but giving him that money is just not worth it, and you see the problem down the road. Out of the Tannehill, Henry, Brown trio, Brown was the most essential long-term piece, and the Titans were just forced to trade him away.

10:17: I also just realized the pick they used to get A.J Brown was the pick from the Wentz trade. So the Eagles traded Carson Wentz and a third for AJ Brown. That’s cute.

10:19: It's Pickett??!!! Wow, that's hilarious and a bad pick. No way anyone near there was picking him, so if he’s the guy you trade back. But he’s the third-best QB in this draft. I am thankful it is not Malik Willis.

10:21: Mike Greenberg just talked about Kenny Pickett’s hand-size. Marco Rubio was unavailable for comment.

10:23: In all seriousness, I don’t understand why people are so polarized on the hands thing. It matters- you shouldn’t dismiss it. It also doesn't disqualify him. Hand size is just one of many traits that Quarterbacks possess, and having small hands is no different than the way an immobile QB has problems outside the pocket. However, just like how Joe Burrow does not have a strong arm, it is possible to make up for that type of deficiency in other areas. We’ll see if Pickett can.

10:25: Shocker- the Patriots trade back.

10:27: In other news, Malik Willis is still on the board for the Packers. Can only imagine they would take another Quarterback. In all seriousness, I hope they don’t take Jermaine Johnson or George Karlaftis. If we managed to get Hamilton and Johnson, I would be very happy. Expect receiver here.

10:31: LMAO the Packers take Quay Walker. Aaron Rodgers must be fuming. This is actually hilarious.

10:32: Ravens trade back two spots and get an extra fourth. Process! Ravens now have six fourth-round picks. I like that. My guess is the Ravens are still looking at Johnson, but know the Bills and Cowboys don’t need an edge. Both are probably looking secondary, and the Bills are looking to jump.

10:36: Guys, it turns out that writing a draft diary for the entire NFL first round is gonna turn out REALLY long.

10:43: Welp I went 1/2 on the secondary prediction. Bills go with Kaiir Elam, Cowboys go with Tyler Smith. Nevertheless, Johnson is there. My guess is that is what the pick winds up being, but if Johnson is falling that means that maybe some teams didn’t value him as highly as the outside football world. If that’s the case, it could be Tyler Linderbaum or Devonte Wyatt.

10:54: Well, it’s Linderbaum. Certainly a very good player, but I would have preferred Johnson. If Eric DeCosta disagrees with me on who the better player is though, I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. As a whole, a classic draft night for the Ravens. Absolutely love what we did.

10:56 Well, Lamar is not happy. He and Hollywood were best friends so I expect him to not necessarily have the clearest reaction to the trade, but nevertheless, I do not love him not being happy (I still would have done the trade. The value was too good to pass up).

10:57: Jets pick Johnson. I know it was a trade-up, but it was at a lighter price, and as a whole I think it will wind up netting positive value. Really good night for the Jets.

10:58: Johnson’s family starts tomahawk chopping and just… please don’t do that.

11:03: Devin Lloyd just fully lifted Roger Goodell off the ground with his hug. I really wish we could get a reverse angle and see how terrified Goodell was. That’s my third favorite Goodell on-stage moment, right behind the time Christian Wilkins nearly knocked him down with a shoulder bump and Dontari Poe almost kissed him.

11:05: More bad process from Jags. Giving all that money to Foye Oluokun and then trading up to get Devin Lloyd is a lot of resources to expend on off-ball linebacker. They also gave up A LOT more than the Jets just did to trade up for Johnson.

11:08: Packers pick Devonte Wyatt. If I could be a fly in Aaron Rodgers’ room…

11:13: So apparently Hollywood is already at the Cardinals' draft party, which seems to indicate he knew the trade was coming, which means Lamar probably did as well. So now I’m really confused.

11:20: Well that was Strange.

11:21: Cannot say I’ve ever heard of Cole Strange. Patriots gonna Patriot, but it seems like they could have traded back for him. And no, I will not apologize for my joke about the pick. Trying to process this chaos while also writing has put my sanity and this article’s word count in serious peril.

11:28: Well Lamar just tweeted and said he wasn’t throwing any shade at “his new center.” So we’re okay there. I genuinely think he was just processing his best friend getting traded.

11:32: Draft ends on a run on safeties with Daxton Hill and Lewis Cine. Two good picks, especially for Cincinnati.. I was planning to fill this column with jokes to make up for a boring draft and then well… A LOT happened. For a draft with no Quarterbacks, this was about as chaotic as it gets, but that seems like a good place to end for now and give us some time to wind down. What a night.